There is a kind of science to staying in love, many psychologists and therapists agree, concrete ways to invigorate a couple’s bond and to inoculate couples against the predictable lows and endemic conflicts of long-term love.
Chemistryis the inexplicable, ineffable magic that happens when two people are profoundly attracted to each other, magnetized by each other’s voice, smell, body and gestures and infused by a feeling that one has hit the equivalent of the mate lottery and stumbled upon the right fit.
Chemistry opens you to receive another being; you grow to enlarge yourself beyond what you would otherwise be, know and perceive…We don’t feel that with just anyone.
“attraction hormones” such as serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine…are the hormones responsible for giving you those feelings of euphoria when you’re really into someone.
On the down side, when all your feel-good hormones are spiked, there’s a tendency to become irrational.
“When your neurotransmitters are destabilized by new romantic love, your mood becomes unsteady,” she says. “You don’t always make the most wise decisions.”
That’s an understatement.
Crystal meth provides a short, intense high that leads to euphoria, a rush of energy, and a boost in confidence.Many argue that crystal meth is the most addictive drug in the world since crystal meth is three times as powerful as cocaine. Meth also leads to dependency faster than any other substance. Crystal meth is notorious as the most difficult drug to quit. Crystal meth releases more dopamine in the brain compared to any other drug…This is how crystal meth addiction develops.
Cocaine is another addictive stimulant drug. In its crystal form, it is known as crack cocaine…When you smoke crack cocaine, the drug immediately crosses from the lungs into the bloodstream…Snorted cocaine, in contrast, takes a slower route throughout the body. This provides a less intense and longer-lasting high.
Crack cocaine users become easily addicted to the drug due to its fast onset and immediate and intense euphoric high [resulting from]…a higher production of dopamine in the brain. This substance, therefore, can produce stronger feelings of pleasure and positive mood.
The human body has a built-in safety valve to prevent the destructive effects of excessive stimulation, called homeostasis.
Any auto-regulating process that a biological system uses to maintain stability while continuously adjusting to surrounding conditions…These adjustments made by the body are necessary for survival. When the process of homeostasis is successful, life will continue. When it is unsuccessful, imbalance can ensue and can lead to death.
The neurochemical balance is achieved through two complementary systems – the sympathetic / stimulant and neurosympathic / calming.
My physiology professor summed up the sexual orgasm’s involvement of both components of the nervous system as Point and Shoot. Point / Parasympathetic stimulation of the sex response, and Shoot / Sympathetic release of tension back to a state of calm.
A sexual relationship based solely on dopamine / stimulant production can no more remain functional than an addict’s relationship with crack.
Fortunately, the human body provides the treatment:
Oxytocin, a hormone that’s associated with relationship-building, trust, empathy, bonding, well-being, lowered anxiety and stress.
Oxytocin is a natural hormone that stimulates contractions
- of the female uterus and breast for birth and lactation,
- of the male penis in ejaculation.
OT has been reported to promote social approach, pair bonding and copulation…one of the main mediators of the development of attachment in childhood, pair bonding, as well as to relating social signals with cognition, behaviours and reward…proper development of the OT…may be critically impaired by a lack of the essential care in young children…Not surprisingly, comforting physical contact, familiar smells and other socially pleasant sensory experiences are capable of raising the levels of OT…
the OT system and some of its parameters show some sex-related differences…higher in females…possibly the result of the interaction of OT… with estradiol and progesterone…
we may reasonably speculate that the OT system could act distinctly in men and women through the possible mediations of sex hormones…
findings indicate that women showed higher OT levels than men.
Accumulating evidence suggests a role for OT in the pathophysiology of different psychopathological conditions, mainly in those characterized by social and emotional deficits, such as depression, social phobia, anxiety disorders, autism spectrum disorders, OCD, post traumatic stress disorders, and other conditions almost all characterized by a female preponderance.
This balanced chemistry is a couple’s longevity drug cocktail – it motivates and enables a couple to go the distance when the arduous work of mature love begins.
Oxytocin, a hormone also involved in mother/infant bonding, plays an important role in the initial stages of our romantic attachments…at a biological level, the process of becoming attached to a new partner may be similar to the process of bonding with a new child…
Couples with higher levels of oxytocin exhibited more affection…such as touching and eye-gazing. Such intimate behaviors may increase oxytocin levels and, in turn, increase a couple’s emotional involvement in the relationship…
Elevated levels of oxytocin also have been seen in new parents, although the levels were not as high as those seen in couples in this study, suggesting the initial period of romantic love may induce the most intense oxytocin activity…
The people in new relationships had oxytocin levels that averaged nearly double those of singles. For couples who stayed together, oxytocin levels remained stable…
There’s a lot of empathy in relationships where couples are deeply bonded together. “When they hurt, you hurt,” therapist Dr. Tracey M. Phillips, tells Bustle. “Sometimes, this means feeling the actual physical pain that your partner feels.” If that sounds crazy, it’s not too far off. A 2004 study published in the journal Science found that we are hardwired to process pain when a loved one is hurt. Researchers conducted a study of 16 heterosexual couples and measured one partner’s brain activity while the other received a short jolt of pain. When one person was feeling pain, brain activity in their partner was triggered enough to elicit an empathetic response.
We can conclude that the reason researchers only studied heterosexual couples is because women are needed to contribute the critical mass amount of oxytocin to the chemical reaction of bonding.
Without bonding there is no opportunity to build gradients of trust proven over privately shared time together, providing essential safety assurance that, despite differences, you are, at a minimum, listened to without judgment, better yet, find support and encouragement in your maturation process, and best and rarest of all, find a partner in mutual growth and development.
- physical – expressed most intensely through sex
- emotional – revealing one’s fears, pains, and doubts
- mental or intellectual – dialoging different ideas, opinions, and life perspectives, intellectually challenging each other and being open to considering, the other person’s ideas,showing mutual respect, even when you have differing views with the intention of learning from each other more than debating opinions.
- spiritual – emerging from one’s deepest safe haven of existential conviction to contemplate new possibilities on the meaning of life and one’s interconnection with all of space time.
The desire for sexual fidelity in relationships and the benefits of such a commitment are universal. In the long history of man, infidelity has never been associated with maturity.
From this perspective, the essence of homosexuality is not about the sex act.
It is the smothering of the maturation process, begun at puberty’s first step of gaining sexual capacity, regardless of whatever chronological age a man might be stuck in hedonistic self indulgence, eliminating vital members of society in adult roles of responsibility for others in family relationships, undercutting society at its very foundations.
Homosexuality is in total opposition at every level of relationship in heterosexual bonding’s objective of existential transformation from an autonomous being into a blended unit where two become one in all aspects of being, and one’s goal in life reverses course from self indulgence for the short term of your own life to self sacrifice for the well being of your spouse and offspring for infinite generations of life of all of society.
McWhirter and Mattison believe that gays must redefine “fidelity” to mean not sexual faithfulness, but simply “emotional dependability.”
How can a relationship without sexual fidelity remain emotionally faithful? Fidelity as such is only an abstraction, divorced from the body. The agreement to have outside affairs precludes any possibility of genuine trust and intimacy.
A Clinical Understanding Of Gay Infidelity
Gay relationships are typically burdened with each man’s same-sex defensive detachment, and their need to compensate for that same-sex detachment. Therefore the relationship will often take the form of an unrealistic idealization of the other person as an “image.” In pursuing the other man as a representation the masculine introject that he himself lacks, many gay men either develop a self-denigrating dependency on the partner, or they become disillusioned because they discover “he has the same deficit I have.”
As he did in relationship with his father, the homosexual man fails to fully and accurately perceive the other man. His same-sex ambivalence and defensive detachment mitigate against trust and intimacy. When he becomes disillusioned, he will often continually set his hopes on the possibility of yet another, more satisfying partner.
In seeking out and sexualizing relationships with other males, the homosexual is attempting to integrate a lost part of himself. Because this attraction emerges out of a deficit, he is not completely free to love. He often perceives other men in terms of what they can do to fulfill his deficit. Thus, a giving of the self may seem like more of a diminishment than a self-enhancement.
A man who is depressed may gain a temporary sense of mastery through anonymous sex because of its excitement, intensity, even danger – followed by sexual release and an immediate reduction of tension. Later he is likely to feel disgusted, remorseful, and out of control. He feels regretful, regains control and feels all right again. But when there is nothing to “feed” that healthy state, it will be a matter of time until he gets depressed, feels powerless and out of touch with himself, and seeks anonymous sex again as a short-term solution to getting back in touch and feeling in control.
Often a homosexual client will report seeking anonymous sex following an incident in which he felt ignored or slighted by another male. Feeling shamed and victimized, he acts out sexually as a way of reasserting himself and getting something back he feels was taken from him. Once again, he feels guilty and has to repent or make amends. Many gay men become addicted not just to the sexual release, but to the entire compulsive, life-dominating cycle– if not through overt behavior, then through preoccupation and fantasy.
In these repetitive, compulsive, and impersonal sexual behaviors, we see a focused engagement with the object–with a desire for an intense relationship, but at the same time, a resistance toward genuine intimacy. Hoffman (1968) describes the “sex fetishization” found in gay life (p. 168), and Gottlieb (1977) points out the strong element of sexual fantasy that has become institutionalized in gay culture. Masters and Johnson (1979) also found that those fantasies tend to be more violent than those of heterosexuals.
The Problem Of Sexual Sameness
In homosexual sex, the “body parts don’t fit.” Therefore sex must be “individually enjoyed rather than mutually experienced” (p. 214) by a technique of “my turn – your turn” (p.214) and “you do me, I do you.” (Masters and Johnson, 1979). Where orgasmic episodes are experienced separately, considerable discussion is required for their negotiation…
This “new order” approach advocated by gay activists is part of a general cynicism toward mainstream values and the… Judeo-Christian influence in society. His work in the social-science literature reveals a deep hopelessness about the possibility of enduring relationships, either homosexual or heterosexual…
For additional data, see “Romantic Relationship Difficulties,” (pages 70-71), “Interpersonal Relationships,” (page 80-81) and “Promiscuity as a New Social Norm,” (pages 81- 83), in the Journal of Human Sexuality, Vol. 1, 2009, published by NARTH, www.narth.com.
The damage caused by unhealthy sex pervades one’s entire personality.
A soul tie is a connection with someone deeply embedded into your soul, certified sex therapist De-Andrea Blaylock-Johnson, LCSW, CST,tells mbg. “Often it’s thought to happen after you have intercourse with someone,” she notes…
7 signs you have a soul tie with someone:
1. You feel connected on a deeper level.
Having a soul tie means you are bonded on a deeper level, at the level of Spirit…
2. They elicit strong reactions from you.
There’s a level of intensity to soul ties, and while they don’t all look the same, you can be sure everything will be amplified—the good and the bad…
3. They feel familiar.
On top of strong reactions to them, this person likely feels familiar to you…even if they’ve only been in your life a short while…
4. You may feel like they “complete” you.
This is especially true in the case of romantic soul tie relationships. This is when soul ties veer into toxic territory…
5. Your relationship feels unique or one-of-a-kind.
“Look for feelings and experiences you’ve never had before,” she says, such as never having felt that much sexual passion with someone else, for example, or even doing something completely new together, like starting a new business venture or project…”
6. They showed up at a significant time.
Perhaps this person showed up at the exact moment you needed “help, healing, or expertise they have to offer,” she adds. Ask yourself what was going on in your life when you first met and what they had to offer.
7. A part of you feels like it’s missing if they’re not in your life.
a soul tie with someone can often become painful if things go south, as soul ties can often turn into attachment (or be mistaken for attachment altogether). “A lot of times, people may experience a feeling of brokenness,” she says, “as if a part of them is missing because they’re no longer connected to this person…”
soul ties can also become toxic and one-sided. People..get lost in their role as a partner within a relationship and lose their individuality,” she says…
“don’t feel that you’ll never find another special friend. The universe is very receptive and will help you find new friendships that are more aligned and appropriate for your life now,” she says…
A ritual for breaking soul ties:
- Sit in meditation.
- Call on any angels or spirit guides to be with you as well.
- Tell the…soul that you…simply don’t want to be in relationship with them anymore… physical ears won’t hear this release, but their soul definitely will!
But will they yield to your will, or exult in the anguish they are causing you and pull from that energy?
This neopagan article very nicely distinguishes the toxic vs healthy relationship experienced with a exploitive vs beneficent spirit.
“What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh. But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit. Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.” (I Corinthians 7:16-18)
This passage provides the basis for logically deducing that evil spirits present in a sexual partner’s body can be passed to the other partner while the bodies are sexual joined “as one body.”
Just like microbes. That’s a clue, as spirit beings can certainly inhabit microbes like mini UFOs.
“What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh..Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.” (I Corinthians 6:16-18)
After their life energy was drained by the disease process to…where? Because energy can’t be destroyed, remember. It goes somewhere.
Kingdom Come 